Spirit Under Transsexual Cover
Radical explorations of identity, spirituality, psychology, philosophy and culture
Spirit Under Transsexual Cover

Fireworks in Your Head

I always find value in the daily quotes sent out by Tricycle, but sometimes one comes down the pike that really encapsulates and validates my experience. And in this case, I appreciate the validation and comforting because losing your (old) mind is often excruciating. It really helps to be reassured that, despite the chaos, I am moving towards more depth, wholeness and life.


July 4, 2008
Tricycle's Daily Dharma

Those Fireworks in Your Head? Not a Problem

Somewhere in this process, you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way, and you just never noticed. You also are no crazier than anybody else around you. The real difference is that you have confronted the situation; they have not. So they still feel relatively comfortable. That does not mean that they are better off. Ignorance may be bliss, but it does not lead to Liberation. So don’t let this realization unsettle you. It is a milestone actually, a sign of real progress. The very fact that you have looked at the problem straight in the eye means that you are on your way up and out of it.


-Henepola Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English

Taking Advantage of "God"

Recently I have been working on a piece titled, "On Losing God."  My thoughts are still in the crucible on that one, but I read a post today on Joe Perez' blog which is a response to a post by Julian Walker, and I was immediately inspired to dig into the questions that are brought forth.

What follows only stands a chance of being comprehended if both posts are read first (without necessarily reading the pages of comments). Please do note that my analysis is not complete, nor was it elaborately pondered, reconstructed and edited. I am merely attempting to give my take and perhaps raise further questions in the short time I have. In terms of an ongoing dialog, therefore, I must concede that my time to devote to this is limited, so I am making no promises. Onward...

Julian wrote: "I wonder too if in buying into these sorts of fallacies we ignore the possibility that much of what has been called religion can be understoood as a kind of psychological defense mechanism and that contemporary spirituality might be transcending precisely that defense in the name of a more integrated and honest adult practice-based methodology."
What seems to be missing from this cerebral argument is the acknowledgement that the genealogies and anthropologies of humanity have repeatedly demonstrated that we create mythologies that both give us a context for our lives and encourage the hero's journey. So, while Julian would like for us to give up words like God and "transcend" our discredited mythologies, he does not demonstrate an understanding that we seem to need mythologies nor that his argument itself is based on a newly emergent mythology. That emerging mythologies are integral or synthetic does not mean that they represent a truth that is lasting; they transcend and include - by their very definition - all previous known mythologies that themselves were the closest representation of truth in their own times, and they will themselves be transcended by the mythologies of the future.

What continually amazes me about arguments such as the one presented by Julian is that the perspective seems to transcend and reject rather than transcend and include.

Near the end of Julian's argument, he poses the following:  But I can't help but wonder why we need to tie these kinds of intellectual/spiritual riffs to an invisible mythic  god? Which perhaps raises the question: Is there an invisible god that is not mythic?

I do not think that those who have developed integral insight continue to use the word God in an attempt to make ties with an invisible mythic god. When we retain the use of the word God, we retain the ability to meet people where they are at and to talk to them from a shared We space. We risk alienation and further entrenchment of Amber belief systems by rejecting the word God, which has already been sufficiently accomplished by intolerant application of Enlightenment ideals, rampant materialism and New Age narcissism.

Furthermore, what I do not see conveyed in Julian's argument is the recognition of I-Thou phenomenological realities. Wilber's writings, and my own experience, suggest that this underlying and fundamental phenomenology - a felt sense of a personal relationship with our source - transcends belief systems and constructs. We DO all come from the same source, after all, and the experience of communion with that source (i.e. a transcendent state), and the ecstasy, love and healing that may arise within that context, offers us a shared ground from which we can establish communication, despite the fact that we apply divergent constructs based on our level of development to explain such experiences. It seems to me that it is this profound I-Thou relationship that Wilber, Brother David Steindl-Rast and increasing numbers of religiously progressive people are attempting to recognize and encourage in us, not the mythology that is used to explain it. So when Julian asks (in the comment section), why use the word if it's overwhelmingly common usage means something else altogether and we can use other words with more precision and evocative power?, I challenge one of his underlying assumptions: that the overwhelming majority of religious believers in the U.S. today (I can't speak for the rest of the world) are literalist believers that all hold identical ideologies. I used to think that, but recent evidence suggests otherwise. Wilber suggests that a mere 25% of the population is expressing Amber-level belief systems. Regardless of the percentages of people at different stages on the spiral, it is an undeniable fact that the word God is entrenched in the worldspace at this time, and it seems obvious to me that continuing the usage of the word is unavoidable and, perhaps, advantageous. Precisely because it is entrenched, we can use it as a tool to begin new conversations that encourage further development.

Julian also seems to want to root out every last superstition and pre-rational idea because, gosh darn it, those pesky little remnants of our shared history prevent us from being fully integrated and integral adults. But is this true? Or is it more likely that moving into hyper-rational (rather than trans-rational) modes of being-in-the-world and denying our sometimes superstitious nature is an act of violence against ourselves and our history which prevents the actual emergence of the stage that he exalts? When we fool ourselves into thinking that rooting out words like God will somehow deliver us from our bloody past, and that all pre-integral belief systems are "delusional," we risk cutting ourselves off from true integral which hosts an understanding of the rightness of such belief systems within the context of the spiral of development. (Besides, humanity can be xenophobic and violent all by itself without the props of religion.)

Instead of rejecting our previous ways of being-in-the-world, which included superstition and Amber-level mythologies, as integrally-minded people we start to look at how myth-making is inherent to the human condition. We start to look at patterns instead of just content. Because if we are really honest, we know that we still create mythologies and belief systems for the purpose of relating to ourselves, each other and the world. We have seen science elevated to the level of religion and mythologies imbedded within that context abound. Many believe we can cure human disease and that doing so will create more happiness or at least less suffering. We are starting to believe that we can act quickly to repair the Earth, prevent ecological crises and save humanity from itself.

What I find troubling, though, is that hyper-rationalists seem to focus only on religious horror stories and fail to recognize - with more than a quick glossing over before returning to the main argument - all of the good that results from religious beliefs and ideals. My German Lutheran mother is a fantastic example here. She is an active member of her church where she volunteers time to help others and shares compassion in a community of peers. She never uses her faith to attack others, and I believe this is true for all but the most pathological (and loudest in the public sphere) believers. Many church members deliver food to sick or grieving families and offer genuinely felt prayers on their behalf, which is itself an expression of love. I could go on with multitudinous examples, but I think you get the point. To reduce religion to superstition and tie it only to the shadow side of humanity is to do violence to the billions of people who do their best to live by high religious ideals while operating in a world that went mad a long time ago.  And when we do that, we have what translates to a life-and-death fight on our hands, as is so prevalent right now in the multi-tiered clashes between religion and science.

I have gone through many cycles of rejecting concepts that I previously held as Truth, as well as rejecting people who still hold such beliefs. At this point, the road that lies ahead involves synthesizing instead of rejecting. My vision of humanity is held with an ever-expanding understanding of our history and the patterns that are encoded in the very fabric of our being. And that comes with tremendous respect for our past and compassion for us all as we struggle to survive and thrive in an ever-changing, evolving and chaotic world that is nonetheless miraculous and precious just as it is.

Eros at Extremes: The Improvement Compulsion

The dynamic tension between self-acceptance and self-advancement or -improvement can be experienced alternately as a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because, without it, the evolution of consciousness would stall as we rested in the secure feeling of being content with the world as it is, including the separate sense self that arises within it. When we surrender to the spiral of actualization, this contentedness is periodically driven away by the striving to expand. This striving is often felt as a tension that pushes the self to move beyond current perceived limitations. Ideally, this tension is held lightly as we both accept our current being as stage-appropriate and allow the desire to grow to emerge unhindered. Sometimes - when the energy of Eros pushes to the pendulous extreme - we temporarily lose our footing and it seems like a curse. Because in those moments, we are not good enough, not whole enough, and feelings of disappointment and anguish tighten like a noose around our necks. Thankfully, the process of unfolding cycles between the extremes.

Today, the self-imposed noose is loose. The low-level anguish is less present.

I had a breakthrough in therapy yesterday that built on the growing awareness over the last couple of months that this striving - this not-enough - has been dominating my world. Not only have I been struggling to integrate all that I have learned in the last two and a half years, a profoundly shifting physicality - a healing of trauma and emergence of a more healthy gross form - has garnered most of my attention, and rightly so. Nonetheless, a desire to learn more, know more, write more and DO more has been my constant companion. And I fall short of the ideal that has infected my consciousness.  When I moved beyond the worldviews of my primary group of peers - most of those who I see face-to-face in my life right now - and into a new peer group that I engage with primarily online, it became all too easy to project greatness onto people when the only exposure has been via polished web-based publication. I moved from a world in which I felt intelligent and together into one in which inadequacy was fueled by the feeling that I MUST learn more so that I can contribute to the conversations that I simply witness at this point. Conversations that are pushing the boundaries of consciousness and draw me in with a fierceness and passion that make all previous passions pale in comparison.

I am remembering (or truly learning and experiencing?) that the cyclic emergence of a seemingly safe haven is necessary for the sustenance of the self and the incorporation of newer (higher) levels of understanding. Periods of resting in the gloriousness of who we are today strengthens our resolve and banks energy for the next level of the developmental spiral that ascends towards our ever-evolving highest potentials (dynamic emergence rather than destiny).

This morning - while engaged in the creatureliness of shitting - I read something that resonated so strongly that it brought me to this blog post. I wanted to share this experience because I know enough now to realize that if all of this is arising in my world, it is arising in the world of US. Someone else is experiencing similar phenomena right now. Or will be experiencing it soon. And you never know when you'll read something that catalyzes a shift.

So, from the July 2008 issue of Shambala Sun, I give you this passage, excerpted from the article Raja Hatha: Yoga's Path to Liberation by Chip Hartranft:

"If meditation is to move from doing to being, the other intention one must keep in mind is softening. Again and again, the yogi unclenches, relaxes his psychosomatic grip on the moment, and allows events to be just as they are. Success is proportionate to one's willingness to let each new impulse to control or improve simply appear, bloom, and fade. As a result, it becomes ever clearer that each bodily contraction was conditioned by a mental contraction, arising from desire, aversion, or simply holding a self-image in mind" (p 49; emphasis mine).

I feel as though I am finding my way to this position in a manner that will start to be more lasting. The next level outlined in article is still just now starting to emerge:

"The yogi realizes how much of mental life has been engaged in reconnoitering for stimulation and gratification, and how attaining them never produces anything like lasting happiness. This perceptual re-education, called vairagya, or "non-reacting," involves entrusting oneself to one new experience after another. As each fresh agitation or stab of resistance is recognized and permitted to settle, one unexpectedly notices that familiar triggers of disturbance no longer have any effect. A profound equanimity has quietly developed" (p 50).

I want to elaborate on this a bit, though. As this new way of being-in-the-world starts to emerge, awareness flits in and out of consciousness. A complicated set of circumstances are present in each moment; sometimes we notice that familiar triggers are not having the same effect, and sometimes we realize after the fact that we were completely consumed by patterned existence - triggers hook you and you are back to being-of-the-world (trying out concepts coined by Sartre).

But I want to end with a focus on softening: Let's do our best, as the dynamic between acceptance and emergence oscillates, to remind ourselves that we are exactly as we need to be in this moment. Stop, breathe, rest.

The New Surge: GLBT Equality

It feels good to take two steps forward, even if the dance is not over.

If you're wired at all, you know that this is a big week for many gays and lesbians. The remarkable Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon symbolically launched - for the second time with San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom - a wave of activism via participation in the institutionalization of marriage between two members of the same sex. This definitely marks - along with "victories" in Massachusetts and Oregon - the beginning of a new era. Of course, it's really a continuation of an era of human rights expansion.

Remarkably, transgender people also win this week. The National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) reported today that the American Medical Association passed a resolution [PDF] calling for the removal of exclusions to health insurance that unfairly target the transgender population. Such exclusions prevent people from receiving medical care related to "Gender Identity Disorder," the beloved moniker assigned by the American Psychiatric Association in the DSM. The exclusions translate to no coverage for hormones or psychotherapy or surgery for any cross-gender purposes, regardless of whether you are clinically diagnosable as having a true pathology, and despite the clinical evidence that cross-gender therapies for transsexuals are successful in the majority of cases (no source; no time).

These are small victories that seem to affect only a small percentage of the population; what we see here, though, is an example of the continued evolution of human consciousness. The healthy expression of the green meme is finding its way into more minds (go here for an excellent intro to the Spiral Dynamics (SD) framework of human development).

As encouraged as I am by this, I can't help but keep in mind that green's human rights violations are happening all over the world, in ways that are vastly more disturbing than the issue of GBLT oppression. I just look forward to the day - and it's coming - that the systems of government in the First World go second tier (SD). I'm all for imposition of policies (onto lower memes) that support all members of a global society towards building sustainable lives.

Changing one mind at a time. Hope abounds.

Trance and Dissociation for Healthy Reality Distortion

Every so often one runs into a book articulating ideas that resonate so strongly with your own experience AND help bring many divergent-seeming concepts and human experiences together in one "unified" theory that your worldview is significantly broadened and/or deepened. (One of my first Big Bang books that brought that type of experience was Wilber's A Brief History of Everything. Another was In Over Our Heads by Robert Kegan, though that was much less broad in its scope, focusing primarily on the development of the individual.)

We now know that the human mind has a primal need for unified theories that deliver a coherent lens through which to view/reduce reality, even if they're delusional (which nearly all are on some level). Elucidating this phenomenon via a clearly argued unified theory is the work of John F. Schumaker in The Corruption of Reality. This is one of those theories that presents such a valuable working frame for exploring and understanding human behavior that I hope its contents become memetically viral at some point.

Primary arguments:

The human mind is predisposed to incorporating reality-distorting suggestions that ideally serve to increase functionality of both the individual and society. Suggestibility is enhanced profoundly using methods of trance induction such as music, certain drugs and/or dance/movement that have repetition or monotony as their shared modality (e.g. religious chanting or the plant-ingesting, drumming shaman or the rocking of a schizophrenic).

Throughout human history, up until the last hundred years or so, religion has been the predominant (almost pervasive) carrier of the rituals and memes that serve to enhance adaptability. Because the West has lost its religious rituals to a large extent (even within churches as they attempt to modernize), and therefore the ability to reconstruct reality in ways that assist the human organism in creating meaning, we see an increase in unconscious self-hypnosis and psychopathology.

In essence, true religiosity often benefits the individual and society through successful delusion.  The success of religion hinges on its overarching ability to establish group thinking that enables one to fit into norm-ality while at the same time incorporating positive distortions of reality that serve to increase the feeling of individual and social control in an otherwise chaotic world. Psychopathology attempts to do the same, but it is often maladaptive without the added support of the group to root the belief system. Psychopathology generally involves self-hypnosis followed by self-suggestion, whereas successful religious delusion is mediated by the group or the religious leader and therefore more successful and stable. All delusion, though, is ultimately self-driven; the religious rituals and memes are only successful when they are repeated by each individual in the group.

One of the reasons we are seeing the breakdown of religions is the prevalence of competing and largely irreconcilable memes; no one meme is safe from attack. This breakdown is resulting in the watering down of memes in the collective consciousness and the loss of stable reality distortion. From the book (p 122):

"Today, self-consciousness about emotion and loss of control, combined with religious ambivalence, is creating religious induction techniques that are unable to promote a workable degree of dissociation. As a result, congregations are unprepared for the distortive suggestions that should, under correct conditions, become the religious beliefs that benefit us in so many ways, both individually and collectively. Ultimately, they are deprived of the reality-biasing cognitions that, when subsequently self-suggested, constitute the normal delusions that combat psychologically toxic elements of primary reality.

"Non-Western cultures with intact religious systems generally have the trance induction methods that enable indoctrination with distortive suggestions, however symbolized or indirect these might be during the official indoctrination procedure. The religious beliefs, or functionally errant cognitions, that crystallize from these suggestions are useful because they are unworldly and nonsensical, just as religion was always meant to be by definition. As healthy religion removes people from this-world interpretations, they benefit from a sense of ultimate meaning and the illusion of ultimate knowledge."

With the disintegration of many previously successful religions comes confusion and struggle to create new ways of coping, new ways of achieving positive delusions that build meaning and order in an otherwise chaotic world. And this transition time is fucking rough. Escape routes - means of dissociating - from primary reality have been firmly established; nearly all of them can be alternately healthy or destructive ways of coping, depending on how they are utilized: television, drugs, alcohol, food, sex, exercise, traditional religious thinking, New Age spirituality, psychopathology (eating disorders, OCD, etc.)

The point here is that both the highly functioning person who successfully employs healthy means of dissociating from the awareness of chaos and lack of personal control is doing so for the same reasons as the low functioning person who uses less successful means: reducing discomfort and preventing breakdown. Ideally, one moves past mere survival into the much-lauded realm of actualization, still incorporating tools for trance-induction, dissociation and self-suggestibility that support the abilities to cope with and adapt to an ever-changing environment.

What really added to the strength of this frame for me involved incorporating what I have learned about the experiences of long-term meditation and insight into human reality from an internal (1-p) perspective, reported by others somewhat consistently for over two thousand years. Based on this frame that delusion and suggestibility are inherent to the human mind, it seems to me that concentration and insight meditation are methods for directly encountering these phenomena. At the higher levels of meditative absorption, one may experience visions or other sensate hallucinations that arise spontaneously out of mind. These are not real in an objective sense, but are very real subjectively. Experiencing a transcendent state - being in trance - may help one create meaning, adapt more successfully and achieve some sense of happiness. These benefits are likely due to the ability of the mind to assume that these experiences are more real than reality. Even the advanced meditation practitioner, who knows that these are simply mental formations, likely benefits nonetheless from the positive emotions that are part of such experiences.

And with this new frame of reference, my worldview has flowered again to encompass more truth.

Now I'm going to go get me some healthy trance on. It's all about skillful means, right?!

Suffering Doesn't Stop

I read many magazine articles, online articles, blogs, books, etc. Most of it just flows right through because it's already part of my internal environment or a subtle riff thereof. And then sometimes a passage is read that simply stops time, eliciting a deep resonance, followed by bouncing waves of introspection. This is one such passage, from the spring 2008 issue of Buddhadharma, p 37 (an excerpt from Ending the Pursuit of Happiness: A Zen Guide by Barry Magid (2008):

The core of our practice and our life is how we face, understand and meet the fact of suffering. Suffering is not an optional or controllable or removable part of life; it is intrinsic to what life is all about. But that definitely is not the message any of us have come to hear. The Buddha didn't just stop with the first truth; he continued and even promised that through understanding the root causes of suffering, suffering could be ended. The promise of the end of suffering is the hook we grab on to, and for a long time after we've begun to practice, we try to maintain our personal fantasy of what exactly that end of suffering is going to look like. But it doesn't end up looking like what we expect - or what we want.

My old teacher Joko Beck used to say that it took many, many years for students to finally discover what practice really meant, and when they did, most of them quit. That's because the end of suffering that we realize we can achieve through practice turns out to be an end to separation from suffering. Suffering ceases to exist when it is no longer something that we experience as impinging on our lives, as an unnecessary, avoidable intrusion that we finally learn to exclude from our lives once and for all. Instead, what we realize deeply is that suffering is inseparable from life. I like to describe what happens by saying that suffering doesn't disappear from our life, but into our life. When we live our life as a whole, there is no longer an aspect that gets singled out as "suffering."

The part that stopped time was the first sentence of the second paragraph about how students who finally realize that suffering is inevitable and inescapable quit practicing (or at least move away from monastic or serious lay practice, I'm assuming). I've temporarily fallen into this realm, even though I do not claim to have practiced for many years, nor to have had any profound enduring realizations about the nature of some sort of reality. (Well, that's not entirely true, but qualified.) I have fundamentally realized, though, through the *gift* of constant pain and herniated cervical discs, that suffering - physical, emotional, spiritual, mental - is something that is never completely driven out of our lives as human beings. And, when one has spent some time with the belief that somehow being realized means having less suffering, this is quite a(nother) shock to the human psyche, which is doing its best to adapt and survive. Or perhaps even carve some meaning and creativity and love out of life.

But sometimes you just wanna say: FUCK!

And then you laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

So Let Go...cuz there's Beauty in the Breakdown

Sometimes nothing conveys lived experience better than a song. This song, Let Go by Frou Frou, is featured in the fantabulous movie Garden State, one of my favorites. I rented it again and watched it three times in two days last week. I don't cry much these days; I've really needed to Let Go. Garden State and this song helped me do it.





Stuck Energy really Let Go starting then. My experience is beginning to shift from Dark to Light. Amen.

One critical life lesson that I'm starting to learn is that Dark and Light cycle over and over and over again, especially when one is attempting to live with raw honesty. And I am more able today to watch the cycle without getting completely consumed by it. Then again, Dark wouldn't exist as it does without its ability to consume, so sometimes that's just part of it.

May we all learn to Let Go. And when we are Consumed, may we come through it stronger and more Alive.

Simply Colin

Reflections: My spiritual path seemed to be jump-started a little over two years ago after I came out of a short-lived but devastating depression. The depression was catalyzed by a delusional mental formation: I have a right to health care and the current system is unfair.
 
What I know more deeply now is that my spiritual path spans my entire life, regardless of how consciously connected I feel. I also know that the concepts of "rights" and "fairness" are recent fabrications of human consciousness. That does not mean I think they are insignificant or unimportant, but that they are constructs that shape the behavior of some people.
 
New levels of honesty open now. The wave of spiritual seeking that started over two years ago and has ebbed and flowed since involved the following aspects of what many teachers have dubbed spiritual materialism:
- chasing after Eastern religions because they were exotic and exciting and different than the Christianity I was taught but felt excluded from as a queer person
- assuming that because I experienced what felt like a profound opening at the time, I rightfully could claim that I was Hindu or Buddhist or Gnostic, even though I understood very little about those traditions (still mostly true)
- assuming that I was more spiritually evolved than all but the most advanced practitioners
 
I was also extremely self righteous internally. When I first started this blog, I was working on a website called Cultural Crusaders (yikes!) to shout to the world via the internet that transgender people are victimized and fundamentalist Christians are BAD. I put hundreds of hours into it. I was angry at those who I labeled developmentally inferior who insisted that transgender people are less than human or deranged and their false beliefs that fueled their discrimination against the GLBTQ segment of the population (in the public sphere, in health care, in the workplace, in housing, etc.) I also felt empowered by a fabricated alliance with the Hindu deity Ram as the compassionate warrior who works to resolve injustice.
 
Now I'm simply Colin. I am a transguy who has a vision of working as a psychotherapist and ally with queer people who suffer because I have been through the wringer in that regard and have found a certain degree of happiness and sanity after all. I am a person who has had many experiences that have opened my eyes more widely and clearly than I thought possible, yet I know that my vision is still clouded. I am a being who struggles and cries and laughs and connects with others through heart energy as much as possible. I have habit energy that continues to drive my (re)actions and thoughts, and sometimes I fall into them as though they are a familiar blanket that will save me from the cruel world, even if only temporarily. I have moments of transcendence that I may simply watch rise and fall as I bask in the simplicity of it all or that I chase away by remembering all the perceived suffering that is present most of the time in my head and the world. Sometimes I still feel like a victim and that so much of this life is unfair and unjust.
 
And sometimes I remember: This is life. This is what it is to be human at this time and place and within this set of circumstances. The only absolute fairness or justness that exists is that we all share a common humanity, we all were born and we all will die. I am grateful that I get to experience this life, even with the suffering that it naturally entails.


Update:

Rant: What frustrates me is when we label any of the aforementioned behavior as pathological. It is all simply a part of the spiral of unfolding. We are sick and we are well, depending on the perspective, like an electron is a particle and a wave.

I've read blog posts by those who purport to have transcended "spiritual materialism" who then proceed to rant about people who are still expressing that tendency, as if the particular target of their current derision is somehow grandly delusional all on his or her or their own (yes, I see the irony). A more accurate picture is that waves of humanity are are being expressed as part of an unfolding process.

Queers are Niggas too

Trigger warning: I realize that I am using language that is provocative. I also realize that this might offend some people. I came up with the title after a lengthy discussion with my father, who is offended by both of the words: queer and nigger. He feels that the reclaiming of such words by those who were historically stigmatized using those labels is counter-productive and incendiary. I disagree. Well, incendiary perhaps, but I see nothing wrong with that. My main point here: queers and niggas are both Others. And, ultimately, everyone - whether they realize it or not - is an Other in some way. Or they are secretly afraid that someone else will figure out that they are actually an Other.

Onward...

Saul Williams is playing at the Aladdin Theater in Portland on Tuesday. I've been listening to Niggy Tardust quite a bit over the last few weeks during my lunch-time walks. That's some real shit. Drove by the Aladdin last week and saw Saul's name on the marquee. I ride by that thing every weekday and hardly ever look, but I did that morning. A flash of "WTF?! Oh, yeah!" was followed by "Shit!" as I realized that it was the same night as the Dogen seminary class I signed up for. 

Three days later the Dogen class that night was canceled due to a death. Lucky me.

The song 'Break' hooks me hard. Spit out the toxic venom of oppression. 

It seems to me that queers are niggas, too. Or as Carl Hancock Rux says, when it comes right down to it, we all niggas: a new nigga that's One nigga. Most just don't know it yet.

Let it out
 Blow it out
  Spit it out
   Get it out






Update: I made some inaccurate assumptions about the makeup of the audience prior to the show. It was predominantly 20-something white kids. Granted, this is Portland, but I realized that Saul occupies an interesting niche. I can't help but wonder what he thinks and feels about that.

It was, BTW, an amazing show. I highly recommend it. I found myself bouncing up and down in a mass of people in front of the stage. I hadn't done that in years.

Two big burly white guys that were mid-30s were next to me and I kept thinking how surreal yet awesome it was that one of them kept yelling, "We love you, Saul!" Then, during the last song, one grabbed the other from behind and nuzzled into his neck. Ah!! They're gay bears! Now it all makes sense. I wonder how many of his fans are queer.

Another thought: I recently read that only a small percentage of people actually cough up the five bucks for the album instead of downloading it for free. I bet that you could make some relatively accurate assumptions about levels of development based on those who contributed versus those who did not.


Five Years of Testosterone

Download | Duration: 00:00:48



In honor of the five-year anniversary of the beginning of my transition, I thought it would be fun to revisit one of the key changes that testosterone elicits. This podcast is a collection of recordings that demonstrates the power of T to lower the voice. It's fascinating to me, and I thought it might be to you, too.

The voice and other physical changes happen rather quickly. Just like naturally-occurring puberty, the hair growth takes longer. Five years later, I'm still waiting for a decent set of sideburns and a goatee, while the hair on top of my head has been leaving steadily for the last two years. Sheesh.