With the process of determining the next step in my career still very alive, I decided to fly down to the Bay Area for a few days to check out the M.A. Counseling Psychology programs at both JFK (Campbell) and CIIS. I went with the sense that JFK's School of Holistic Studies with its Queer Psychology and Buddhist Psychology specializations was the most likely candidate. I figured I might as well drop by CIIS to check out its Integral Counseling Psychology program while I was so close.

JFK's Holistic Studies path seemed to fit my goals. I was willing to get over the fact that the SHS is in Campbell, which is just south of San Jose. I walked into the former Campbell High School building at 1pm on Wednesday and met not a single person as I gave myself a tour around the building. (To give a idea of the size: it took five minutes at a slow pace.) So much for community! Granted, this particular location (JFK has three) is currently a night school to meet the needs of working adults. Still, I was expecting a bit more activity. I had scheduled an appointment with one of the core faculty as well as arranged to attend a class. The appointment was fantastic and the class was interesting and lively. I also spoke with two students, both of whom gushed about the program and the people involved. I loved that vibe; however, the distinct lack of a sense of school community was a major strike. (If I'm going to move to another state to get the degree that I think will best serve the needs of my community, I definitely want a vibrant peer network to be a part of the experience.)

Thursday morning I went into San Francisco to check out CIIS. I hadn't scheduled any appointments (silly me) because JFK was the focus based on the available materials on both websites. I simply walked into the building on Mission Street south of Market and started poking around. As soon as I exited the elevator on one of CIIS' four floors, the energy was palpable. Bulletin board after bulletin board was plastered with upcoming events, all of which I wanted to attend. A small café was packed with laughing students and smiling faces. Now this is community! The location, of course, is unsurpassed from my queer, Gen-X perspective (versus Campbell: WTF?!) The sixth floor housed a meditation room (missing at Campbell; again: WTF?!) and a small rooftop Zen garden with a fabulous view of downtown SF and the Bay. I grabbed all of the available brochures and flyers before I made my way back down to the expiring meter.

Hmm...this decision was getting complicated.

Friday morning I ditched the rental car at the Oakland Coliseum BART station (driving for more than 30 mins brings on increased neck pain due to the bulging disk/bone spur fun I'm still dealing with). Practicing mindfulness while watching the activity in the BART car (people watching!) and listening to Pema Chodron's The Way of the Bodhisattva offered quite the lively experience as I rode back into The City for my final day of exploration.

I walked into CIIS again and asked if the admissions counselor for the M.A. ICP program was available. I had called earlier and left a voice mail message but hadn't heard back. Lucky me, he was available for a short impromptu appointment, and I thanked him profusely for accommodating me. His enthusiasm and warmth, combined with a second trip around the campus, moved the graduate school choice arrow closer to CIIS.

I left the building feeling warm and fuzzy and headed towards Laguna and Paige to check out the Zen Center of San Francisco for the first time. It was closer than I remembered: a mere 10-minute walk away! This vision was drawing me in. The old familiarity penetrated me. I could live here again.

My time at ZCSF was splendid. It's smaller than I imagined. I met a wonderful long-time student in the bookstore, inquired about the residential program, and picked up a new mala for my wrist, some ZCSF incense and a couple of light books. I shared silent space in the store with the current abbot after he walked in rather unexpectedly. The generous student (preserving anonymity) asked him, on my behalf, whether there was a waiting list for the residential program: Sometimes they're full; sometimes not. After he left, she smiled and said it sounded encouraging. I asked her if I could wander a bit to check out the main floor, and she answered by offering a short tour. I saw the small and beautifully serene interior garden, the main hall, the dining room and the kitchen (no Tenzo in sight). We ran into the director of the center who was kind enough to answer some additional questions about the residential program.

Next I walked over to my old neighborhood in the Lower Haight. I laughed as I realized that the Zen Center is a mere five blocks from where I lived for a year. (I took a couple of classes in the Holistic Studies department at SF State at that time, but meditation didn't stick as a lifestyle, so I never went looking for the center. I did read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by S. Suzuki - founder of ZCSF - then, though, so the irony didn't escape me.) I took a leisurely walk through the Lower Haight to The Castro and then back on a wonderful stroll down memory lane (including stops at my favorite coffee shop Bean There and restaurant Ali Baba's Cave). My flight didn't leave out of OAK until 9:15pm, so I headed back to the Zen Center for the evening zazen and service. Splendid.

On my walk back to Civic Center BART, I noted with a smile how much more alive I feel now than I did then. The air was crisp, the smells were distinctive (a bouquet of coffee, chinese food, earth, exhaust and urine), the sounds were sharp and the sights were vibrant. Now, back at home in Portland on this cold and rainy day, I project myself back to that moment, and I realize once more: I could live here again.

P.S. For those who might be wondering: Melissa is open to the idea of me moving there for school for 2+ years. She has come to accept that I will go into a deeper Zen practice at some point and that I will do that on my own. We agree that this new vision has real potential for bringing my life more in alignment with the Noble Eightfold Path. She honors that I strive to be of service as best I can in every moment.