Obviously, blog posting slipped down the priority list for awhile. That may continue to be true.

I have been back at work for three weeks, after a 3+ month absence due to the herniated discs in my neck. And the experience has been a mix of pleasure and pain, sacred and profane.

Pleasure:

- The position I was hired into, despite my absence, is an opportunity to collaborate with educators at a deeper level. I work in the field of formative assessments for K-12 students (versus the oft-maligned summative assessment) as well as professional development for teachers and administrators. This non-profit organization works with a mission that really resonates for me: we seek and support a radical revision of the nature of education in America, so that each child is encouraged to develop his or her innate capacities, as opposed to the industrial model in which all kids were treated the same.

- In contrast to my previous position, I am free to construct my day as I wish. My manager is ideal: hands-off but available.

- The position comes with more respect and slightly more pay.

- Most importantly, this job enables me to support my wife in her pursuit of a graduate degree in teaching. So many children will benefit from her wisdom, compassion and poise that I remind myself of this as often as possible to assist me in overcoming the pain-points.


Pain:

- Sitting or standing in front of a desk/computer all day does not help my physical condition. I often leave in more pain than when I arrived.

- I am still on the M-F, 40-hour work week hamster wheel. The structure of the social system is one which encourages pining for quitting time and the weekend. This no longer resonates for me, even though I express it nearly as much as anyone else seems to.

- I feel stuck in a job that resonated for my previous self, but does not for my now self. I am tired of the facade. I am tired of being in a professional environment in which I am not known and do not know others, save a couple exceptions. I seek depth, and I find very little here, despite the fact that this organization surpasses most others in terms of team work and management responsiveness. The gifts that have been developed in me feel mostly untapped. I am still waiting for the flower.


I do my best to be present in NOW, but I want the six months remaining in this job to pass quickly. I feel trapped; yet, that feeling is held within the space of freedom. The part of me that wants to run screaming out the door at least once a week is held by the loving compassion of open awareness. It's heaven and hell all wrapped into one.