Spirit Under Transsexual Cover

San Francisco Bliss and Insanity

Colin — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:50:55 GMT

Hey, y'all! I'm popping in for a minute for a brief update.

I finally found a room in San Francisco where I just started grad school to pursue a Masters degree in Integral Counseling Psychology. My memories of SF being both fantastic and insane still hold true. I'm thrilled to be here one moment, then the next moment I'm wondering WTF I was thinking! Being away from my home community and my wife makes me sad. The opportunities for working with groundlessness have been plenty. And, yet, opportunities for networking and new experiences abound. My life is very much "both/and" instead of "either/or" these days.

I'm not sure whether I will be active on this blog or move over to a community site. My process is simply not all about me anymore; it's about relationships and community, rather than one-sided communications. I hope to post my decision in the coming weeks.

Hope you are well!
Cheers.

Fireworks in Your Head

Colin — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:46:44 GMT

I always find value in the daily quotes sent out by Tricycle, but sometimes one comes down the pike that really encapsulates and validates my experience. And in this case, I appreciate the validation and comforting because losing your (old) mind is often excruciating. It really helps to be reassured that, despite the chaos, I am moving towards more depth, wholeness and life.

July 4, 2008
Tricycle's Daily Dharma

Those Fireworks in Your Head? Not a Problem

Somewhere in this process, you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way, and you just never noticed. You also are no crazier than anybody else around you. The real difference is that you have confronted the situation; they have not. So they still feel relatively comfortable. That does not mean that they are better off. Ignorance may be bliss, but it does not lead to Liberation. So don’t let this realization unsettle you. It is a milestone actually, a sign of real progress. The very fact that you have looked at the problem straight in the eye means that you are on your way up and out of it.

-Henepola Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English

Taking Advantage of "God"

Colin — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:26:46 GMT

Recently I have been working on a piece titled, "On Losing God." My thoughts are still in the crucible on that one, but I read a post today on Joe Perez' blog which is a response to a post by Julian Walker, and I was immediately inspired to dig into the questions that are brought forth.

What follows only stands a chance of being comprehended if both posts are read first (without necessarily reading the pages of comments). Please do note that my analysis is not complete, nor was it elaborately pondered, reconstructed and edited. I am merely attempting to give my take and perhaps raise further questions in the short time I have. In terms of an ongoing dialog, therefore, I must concede that my time to devote to this is limited, so I am making no promises. Onward...

Julian wrote: "I wonder too if in buying into these sorts of fallacies we ignore the possibility that much of what has been called religion can be understoood as a kind of psychological defense mechanism and that contemporary spirituality might be transcending precisely that defense in the name of a more integrated and honest adult practice-based methodology."
What seems to be missing from this cerebral argument is the acknowledgement that the genealogies and anthropologies of humanity have repeatedly demonstrated that we create mythologies that both give us a context for our lives and encourage the hero's journey. So, while Julian would like for us to give up words like God and "transcend" our discredited mythologies, he does not demonstrate an understanding that we seem to need mythologies nor that his argument itself is based on a newly emergent mythology. That emerging mythologies are integral or synthetic does not mean that they represent a truth that is lasting; they transcend and include - by their very definition - all previous known mythologies that themselves were the closest representation of truth in their own times, and they will themselves be transcended by the mythologies of the future.

What continually amazes me about arguments such as the one presented by Julian is that the perspective seems to transcend and reject rather than transcend and include.

Near the end of Julian's argument, he poses the following: But I can't help but wonder why we need to tie these kinds of intellectual/spiritual riffs to an invisible mythic god? Which perhaps raises the question: Is there an invisible god that is not mythic?

I do not think that those who have developed integral insight continue to use the word God in an attempt to make ties with an invisible mythic god. When we retain the use of the word God, we retain the ability to meet people where they are at and to talk to them from a shared We space. We risk alienation and further entrenchment of Amber belief systems by rejecting the word God, which has already been sufficiently accomplished by intolerant application of Enlightenment ideals, rampant materialism and New Age narcissism.

Furthermore, what I do not see conveyed in Julian's argument is the recognition of I-Thou phenomenological realities. Wilber's writings, and my own experience, suggest that this underlying and fundamental phenomenology - a felt sense of a personal relationship with our source - transcends belief systems and constructs. We DO all come from the same source, after all, and the experience of communion with that source (i.e. a transcendent state), and the ecstasy, love and healing that may arise within that context, offers us a shared ground from which we can establish communication, despite the fact that we apply divergent constructs based on our level of development to explain such experiences. It seems to me that it is this profound I-Thou relationship that Wilber, Brother David Steindl-Rast and increasing numbers of religiously progressive people are attempting to recognize and encourage in us, not the mythology that is used to explain it. So when Julian asks (in the comment section), why use the word if it's overwhelmingly common usage means something else altogether and we can use other words with more precision and evocative power?, I challenge one of his underlying assumptions: that the overwhelming majority of religious believers in the U.S. today (I can't speak for the rest of the world) are literalist believers that all hold identical ideologies. I used to think that, but recent evidence suggests otherwise. Wilber suggests that a mere 25% of the population is expressing Amber-level belief systems. Regardless of the percentages of people at different stages on the spiral, it is an undeniable fact that the word God is entrenched in the worldspace at this time, and it seems obvious to me that continuing the usage of the word is unavoidable and, perhaps, advantageous. Precisely because it is entrenched, we can use it as a tool to begin new conversations that encourage further development.

Julian also seems to want to root out every last superstition and pre-rational idea because, gosh darn it, those pesky little remnants of our shared history prevent us from being fully integrated and integral adults. But is this true? Or is it more likely that moving into hyper-rational (rather than trans-rational) modes of being-in-the-world and denying our sometimes superstitious nature is an act of violence against ourselves and our history which prevents the actual emergence of the stage that he exalts? When we fool ourselves into thinking that rooting out words like God will somehow deliver us from our bloody past, and that all pre-integral belief systems are "delusional," we risk cutting ourselves off from true integral which hosts an understanding of the rightness of such belief systems within the context of the spiral of development. (Besides, humanity can be xenophobic and violent all by itself without the props of religion.)

Instead of rejecting our previous ways of being-in-the-world, which included superstition and Amber-level mythologies, as integrally-minded people we start to look at how myth-making is inherent to the human condition. We start to look at patterns instead of just content. Because if we are really honest, we know that we still create mythologies and belief systems for the purpose of relating to ourselves, each other and the world. We have seen science elevated to the level of religion and mythologies imbedded within that context abound. Many believe we can cure human disease and that doing so will create more happiness or at least less suffering. We are starting to believe that we can act quickly to repair the Earth, prevent ecological crises and save humanity from itself.

What I find troubling, though, is that hyper-rationalists seem to focus only on religious horror stories and fail to recognize - with more than a quick glossing over before returning to the main argument - all of the good that results from religious beliefs and ideals. My German Lutheran mother is a fantastic example here. She is an active member of her church where she volunteers time to help others and shares compassion in a community of peers. She never uses her faith to attack others, and I believe this is true for all but the most pathological (and loudest in the public sphere) believers. Many church members deliver food to sick or grieving families and offer genuinely felt prayers on their behalf, which is itself an expression of love. I could go on with multitudinous examples, but I think you get the point. To reduce religion to superstition and tie it only to the shadow side of humanity is to do violence to the billions of people who do their best to live by high religious ideals while operating in a world that went mad a long time ago. And when we do that, we have what translates to a life-and-death fight on our hands, as is so prevalent right now in the multi-tiered clashes between religion and science.

I have gone through many cycles of rejecting concepts that I previously held as Truth, as well as rejecting people who still hold such beliefs. At this point, the road that lies ahead involves synthesizing instead of rejecting. My vision of humanity is held with an ever-expanding understanding of our history and the patterns that are encoded in the very fabric of our being. And that comes with tremendous respect for our past and compassion for us all as we struggle to survive and thrive in an ever-changing, evolving and chaotic world that is nonetheless miraculous and precious just as it is.

Eros at Extremes: The Improvement Compulsion

Colin — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:37:16 GMT

The dynamic tension between self-acceptance and self-advancement or -improvement can be experienced alternately as a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because, without it, the evolution of consciousness would stall as we rested in the secure feeling of being content with the world as it is, including the separate sense self that arises within it. When we surrender to the spiral of actualization, this contentedness is periodically driven away by the striving to expand. This striving is often felt as a tension that pushes the self to move beyond current perceived limitations. Ideally, this tension is held lightly as we both accept our current being as stage-appropriate and allow the desire to grow to emerge unhindered. Sometimes - when the energy of Eros pushes to the pendulous extreme - we temporarily lose our footing and it seems like a curse. Because in those moments, we are not good enough, not whole enough, and feelings of disappointment and anguish tighten like a noose around our necks. Thankfully, the process of unfolding cycles between the extremes.

Today, the self-imposed noose is loose. The low-level anguish is less present.

I had a breakthrough in therapy yesterday that built on the growing awareness over the last couple of months that this striving - this not-enough - has been dominating my world. Not only have I been struggling to integrate all that I have learned in the last two and a half years, a profoundly shifting physicality - a healing of trauma and emergence of a more healthy gross form - has garnered most of my attention, and rightly so. Nonetheless, a desire to learn more, know more, write more and DO more has been my constant companion. And I fall short of the ideal that has infected my consciousness. When I moved beyond the worldviews of my primary group of peers - most of those who I see face-to-face in my life right now - and into a new peer group that I engage with primarily online, it became all too easy to project greatness onto people when the only exposure has been via polished web-based publication. I moved from a world in which I felt intelligent and together into one in which inadequacy was fueled by the feeling that I MUST learn more so that I can contribute to the conversations that I simply witness at this point. Conversations that are pushing the boundaries of consciousness and draw me in with a fierceness and passion that make all previous passions pale in comparison.

I am remembering (or truly learning and experiencing?) that the cyclic emergence of a seemingly safe haven is necessary for the sustenance of the self and the incorporation of newer (higher) levels of understanding. Periods of resting in the gloriousness of who we are today strengthens our resolve and banks energy for the next level of the developmental spiral that ascends towards our ever-evolving highest potentials (dynamic emergence rather than destiny).

This morning - while engaged in the creatureliness of shitting - I read something that resonated so strongly that it brought me to this blog post. I wanted to share this experience because I know enough now to realize that if all of this is arising in my world, it is arising in the world of US. Someone else is experiencing similar phenomena right now. Or will be experiencing it soon. And you never know when you'll read something that catalyzes a shift.

So, from the July 2008 issue of Shambala Sun, I give you this passage, excerpted from the article Raja Hatha: Yoga's Path to Liberation by Chip Hartranft:

"If meditation is to move from doing to being, the other intention one must keep in mind is softening. Again and again, the yogi unclenches, relaxes his psychosomatic grip on the moment, and allows events to be just as they are. Success is proportionate to one's willingness to let each new impulse to control or improve simply appear, bloom, and fade. As a result, it becomes ever clearer that each bodily contraction was conditioned by a mental contraction, arising from desire, aversion, or simply holding a self-image in mind" (p 49; emphasis mine).

I feel as though I am finding my way to this position in a manner that will start to be more lasting. The next level outlined in article is still just now starting to emerge:

"The yogi realizes how much of mental life has been engaged in reconnoitering for stimulation and gratification, and how attaining them never produces anything like lasting happiness. This perceptual re-education, called vairagya, or "non-reacting," involves entrusting oneself to one new experience after another. As each fresh agitation or stab of resistance is recognized and permitted to settle, one unexpectedly notices that familiar triggers of disturbance no longer have any effect. A profound equanimity has quietly developed" (p 50).

I want to elaborate on this a bit, though. As this new way of being-in-the-world starts to emerge, awareness flits in and out of consciousness. A complicated set of circumstances are present in each moment; sometimes we notice that familiar triggers are not having the same effect, and sometimes we realize after the fact that we were completely consumed by patterned existence - triggers hook you and you are back to being-of-the-world (trying out concepts coined by Sartre).

But I want to end with a focus on softening: Let's do our best, as the dynamic between acceptance and emergence oscillates, to remind ourselves that we are exactly as we need to be in this moment. Stop, breathe, rest.

The New Surge: GLBT Equality

Colin — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:36:27 GMT

It feels good to take two steps forward, even if the dance is not over.

If you're wired at all, you know that this is a big week for many gays and lesbians. The remarkable Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon symbolically launched - for the second time with San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom - a wave of activism via participation in the institutionalization of marriage between two members of the same sex. This definitely marks - along with "victories" in Massachusetts and Oregon - the beginning of a new era. Of course, it's really a continuation of an era of human rights expansion.

Remarkably, transgender people also win this week. The National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) reported today that the American Medical Association passed a resolution [PDF] calling for the removal of exclusions to health insurance that unfairly target the transgender population. Such exclusions prevent people from receiving medical care related to "Gender Identity Disorder," the beloved moniker assigned by the American Psychiatric Association in the DSM. The exclusions translate to no coverage for hormones or psychotherapy or surgery for any cross-gender purposes, regardless of whether you are clinically diagnosable as having a true pathology, and despite the clinical evidence that cross-gender therapies for transsexuals are successful in the majority of cases (no source; no time).

These are small victories that seem to affect only a small percentage of the population; what we see here, though, is an example of the continued evolution of human consciousness. The healthy expression of the green meme is finding its way into more minds (go here for an excellent intro to the Spiral Dynamics (SD) framework of human development).

As encouraged as I am by this, I can't help but keep in mind that green's human rights violations are happening all over the world, in ways that are vastly more disturbing than the issue of GBLT oppression. I just look forward to the day - and it's coming - that the systems of government in the First World go second tier (SD). I'm all for imposition of policies (onto lower memes) that support all members of a global society towards building sustainable lives.

Changing one mind at a time. Hope abounds.

Trance and Dissociation for Healthy Reality Distortion

Colin — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:39:26 GMT

Every so often one runs into a book articulating ideas that resonate so strongly with your own experience AND help bring many divergent-seeming concepts and human experiences together in one "unified" theory that your worldview is significantly broadened and/or deepened. (One of my first Big Bang books that brought that type of experience was Wilber's A Brief History of Everything. Another was In Over Our Heads by Robert Kegan, though that was much less broad in its scope, focusing primarily on the development of the individual.)

We now know that the human mind has a primal need for unified theories that deliver a coherent lens through which to view/reduce reality, even if they're delusional (which nearly all are on some level). Elucidating this phenomenon via a clearly argued unified theory is the work of John F. Schumaker in The Corruption of Reality. This is one of those theories that presents such a valuable working frame for exploring and understanding human behavior that I hope its contents become memetically viral at some point.

Primary arguments:

The human mind is predisposed to incorporating reality-distorting suggestions that ideally serve to increase functionality of both the individual and society. Suggestibility is enhanced profoundly using methods of trance induction such as music, certain drugs and/or dance/movement that have repetition or monotony as their shared modality (e.g. religious chanting or the plant-ingesting, drumming shaman or the rocking of a schizophrenic).

Throughout human history, up until the last hundred years or so, religion has been the predominant (almost pervasive) carrier of the rituals and memes that serve to enhance adaptability. Because the West has lost its religious rituals to a large extent (even within churches as they attempt to modernize), and therefore the ability to reconstruct reality in ways that assist the human organism in creating meaning, we see an increase in unconscious self-hypnosis and psychopathology.

In essence, true religiosity often benefits the individual and society through successful delusion. The success of religion hinges on its overarching ability to establish group thinking that enables one to fit into norm-ality while at the same time incorporating positive distortions of reality that serve to increase the feeling of individual and social control in an otherwise chaotic world. Psychopathology attempts to do the same, but it is often maladaptive without the added support of the group to root the belief system. Psychopathology generally involves self-hypnosis followed by self-suggestion, whereas successful religious delusion is mediated by the group or the religious leader and therefore more successful and stable. All delusion, though, is ultimately self-driven; the religious rituals and memes are only successful when they are repeated by each individual in the group.

One of the reasons we are seeing the breakdown of religions is the prevalence of competing and largely irreconcilable memes; no one meme is safe from attack. This breakdown is resulting in the watering down of memes in the collective consciousness and the loss of stable reality distortion. From the book (p 122):

"Today, self-consciousness about emotion and loss of control, combined with religious ambivalence, is creating religious induction techniques that are unable to promote a workable degree of dissociation. As a result, congregations are unprepared for the distortive suggestions that should, under correct conditions, become the religious beliefs that benefit us in so many ways, both individually and collectively. Ultimately, they are deprived of the reality-biasing cognitions that, when subsequently self-suggested, constitute the normal delusions that combat psychologically toxic elements of primary reality.

"Non-Western cultures with intact religious systems generally have the trance induction methods that enable indoctrination with distortive suggestions, however symbolized or indirect these might be during the official indoctrination procedure. The religious beliefs, or functionally errant cognitions, that crystallize from these suggestions are useful because they are unworldly and nonsensical, just as religion was always meant to be by definition. As healthy religion removes people from this-world interpretations, they benefit from a sense of ultimate meaning and the illusion of ultimate knowledge."

With the disintegration of many previously successful religions comes confusion and struggle to create new ways of coping, new ways of achieving positive delusions that build meaning and order in an otherwise chaotic world. And this transition time is fucking rough. Escape routes - means of dissociating - from primary reality have been firmly established; nearly all of them can be alternately healthy or destructive ways of coping, depending on how they are utilized: television, drugs, alcohol, food, sex, exercise, traditional religious thinking, New Age spirituality, psychopathology (eating disorders, OCD, etc.)

The point here is that both the highly functioning person who successfully employs healthy means of dissociating from the awareness of chaos and lack of personal control is doing so for the same reasons as the low functioning person who uses less successful means: reducing discomfort and preventing breakdown. Ideally, one moves past mere survival into the much-lauded realm of actualization, still incorporating tools for trance-induction, dissociation and self-suggestibility that support the abilities to cope with and adapt to an ever-changing environment.

What really added to the strength of this frame for me involved incorporating what I have learned about the experiences of long-term meditation and insight into human reality from an internal (1-p) perspective, reported by others somewhat consistently for over two thousand years. Based on this frame that delusion and suggestibility are inherent to the human mind, it seems to me that concentration and insight meditation are methods for directly encountering these phenomena. At the higher levels of meditative absorption, one may experience visions or other sensate hallucinations that arise spontaneously out of mind. These are not real in an objective sense, but are very real subjectively. Experiencing a transcendent state - being in trance - may help one create meaning, adapt more successfully and achieve some sense of happiness. These benefits are likely due to the ability of the mind to assume that these experiences are more real than reality. Even the advanced meditation practitioner, who knows that these are simply mental formations, likely benefits nonetheless from the positive emotions that are part of such experiences.

And with this new frame of reference, my worldview has flowered again to encompass more truth.

Now I'm going to go get me some healthy trance on. It's all about skillful means, right?!

Suffering Doesn't Stop

Colin — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:23:33 GMT

I read many magazine articles, online articles, blogs, books, etc. Most of it just flows right through because it's already part of my internal environment or a subtle riff thereof. And then sometimes a passage is read that simply stops time, eliciting a deep resonance, followed by bouncing waves of introspection. This is one such passage, from the spring 2008 issue of Buddhadharma, p 37 (an excerpt from Ending the Pursuit of Happiness: A Zen Guide by Barry Magid (2008):

The core of our practice and our life is how we face, understand and meet the fact of suffering. Suffering is not an optional or controllable or removable part of life; it is intrinsic to what life is all about. But that definitely is not the message any of us have come to hear. The Buddha didn't just stop with the first truth; he continued and even promised that through understanding the root causes of suffering, suffering could be ended. The promise of the end of suffering is the hook we grab on to, and for a long time after we've begun to practice, we try to maintain our personal fantasy of what exactly that end of suffering is going to look like. But it doesn't end up looking like what we expect - or what we want.

My old teacher Joko Beck used to say that it took many, many years for students to finally discover what practice really meant, and when they did, most of them quit. That's because the end of suffering that we realize we can achieve through practice turns out to be an end to separation from suffering. Suffering ceases to exist when it is no longer something that we experience as impinging on our lives, as an unnecessary, avoidable intrusion that we finally learn to exclude from our lives once and for all. Instead, what we realize deeply is that suffering is inseparable from life. I like to describe what happens by saying that suffering doesn't disappear from our life, but into our life. When we live our life as a whole, there is no longer an aspect that gets singled out as "suffering."

The part that stopped time was the first sentence of the second paragraph about how students who finally realize that suffering is inevitable and inescapable quit practicing (or at least move away from monastic or serious lay practice, I'm assuming). I've temporarily fallen into this realm, even though I do not claim to have practiced for many years, nor to have had any profound enduring realizations about the nature of some sort of reality. (Well, that's not entirely true, but qualified.) I have fundamentally realized, though, through the *gift* of constant pain and herniated cervical discs, that suffering - physical, emotional, spiritual, mental - is something that is never completely driven out of our lives as human beings. And, when one has spent some time with the belief that somehow being realized means having less suffering, this is quite a(nother) shock to the human psyche, which is doing its best to adapt and survive. Or perhaps even carve some meaning and creativity and love out of life.

But sometimes you just wanna say: FUCK!

And then you laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

So Let Go...cuz there's Beauty in the Breakdown

Colin — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:59:45 GMT

Sometimes nothing conveys lived experience better than a song. This song, Let Go by Frou Frou, is featured in the fantabulous movie Garden State, one of my favorites. I rented it again and watched it three times in two days last week. I don't cry much these days; I've really needed to Let Go. Garden State and this song helped me do it.

Stuck Energy really Let Go starting then. My experience is beginning to shift from Dark to Light. Amen.

One critical life lesson that I'm starting to learn is that Dark and Light cycle over and over and over again, especially when one is attempting to live with raw honesty. And I am more able today to watch the cycle without getting completely consumed by it. Then again, Dark wouldn't exist as it does without its ability to consume, so sometimes that's just part of it.

May we all learn to Let Go. And when we are Consumed, may we come through it stronger and more Alive.

Simply Colin

Colin — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:14:36 GMT

Reflections: My spiritual path seemed to be jump-started a little over two years ago after I came out of a short-lived but devastating depression. The depression was catalyzed by a delusional mental formation: I have a right to health care and the current system is unfair.

What I know more deeply now is that my spiritual path spans my entire life, regardless of how consciously connected I feel. I also know that the concepts of "rights" and "fairness" are recent fabrications of human consciousness. That does not mean I think they are insignificant or unimportant, but that they are constructs that shape the behavior of some people.

New levels of honesty open now. The wave of spiritual seeking that started over two years ago and has ebbed and flowed since involved the following aspects of what many teachers have dubbed spiritual materialism:

- chasing after Eastern religions because they were exotic and exciting and different than the Christianity I was taught but felt excluded from as a queer person

- assuming that because I experienced what felt like a profound opening at the time, I rightfully could claim that I was Hindu or Buddhist or Gnostic, even though I understood very little about those traditions (still mostly true)

- assuming that I was more spiritually evolved than all but the most advanced practitioners

I was also extremely self righteous internally. When I first started this blog, I was working on a website called Cultural Crusaders (yikes!) to shout to the world via the internet that transgender people are victimized and fundamentalist Christians are BAD. I put hundreds of hours into it. I was angry at those who I labeled developmentally inferior who insisted that transgender people are less than human or deranged and their false beliefs that fueled their discrimination against the GLBTQ segment of the population (in the public sphere, in health care, in the workplace, in housing, etc.) I also felt empowered by a fabricated alliance with the Hindu deity Ram as the compassionate warrior who works to resolve injustice.

Now I'm simply Colin. I am a transguy who has a vision of working as a psychotherapist and ally with queer people who suffer because I have been through the wringer in that regard and have found a certain degree of happiness and sanity after all. I am a person who has had many experiences that have opened my eyes more widely and clearly than I thought possible, yet I know that my vision is still clouded. I am a being who struggles and cries and laughs and connects with others through heart energy as much as possible. I have habit energy that continues to drive my (re)actions and thoughts, and sometimes I fall into them as though they are a familiar blanket that will save me from the cruel world, even if only temporarily. I have moments of transcendence that I may simply watch rise and fall as I bask in the simplicity of it all or that I chase away by remembering all the perceived suffering that is present most of the time in my head and the world. Sometimes I still feel like a victim and that so much of this life is unfair and unjust.

And sometimes I remember: This is life. This is what it is to be human at this time and place and within this set of circumstances. The only absolute fairness or justness that exists is that we all share a common humanity, we all were born and we all will die. I am grateful that I get to experience this life, even with the suffering that it naturally entails.

Update:

Rant: What frustrates me is when we label any of the aforementioned behavior as pathological. It is all simply a part of the spiral of unfolding. We are sick and we are well, depending on the perspective, like an electron is a particle and a wave.

I've read blog posts by those who purport to have transcended "spiritual materialism" who then proceed to rant about people who are still expressing that tendency, as if the particular target of their current derision is somehow grandly delusional all on his or her or their own (yes, I see the irony). A more accurate picture is that waves of humanity are are being expressed as part of an unfolding process.

Queers are Niggas too

Colin — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 15:40:30 GMT

Trigger warning: I realize that I am using language that is provocative. I also realize that this might offend some people. I came up with the title after a lengthy discussion with my father, who is offended by both of the words: queer and nigger. He feels that the reclaiming of such words by those who were historically stigmatized using those labels is counter-productive and incendiary. I disagree. Well, incendiary perhaps, but I see nothing wrong with that. My main point here: queers and niggas are both Others. And, ultimately, everyone - whether they realize it or not - is an Other in some way. Or they are secretly afraid that someone else will figure out that they are actually an Other.

Onward...

Saul Williams is playing at the Aladdin Theater in Portland on Tuesday. I've been listening to Niggy Tardust quite a bit over the last few weeks during my lunch-time walks. That's some real shit. Drove by the Aladdin last week and saw Saul's name on the marquee. I ride by that thing every weekday and hardly ever look, but I did that morning. A flash of "WTF?! Oh, yeah!" was followed by "Shit!" as I realized that it was the same night as the Dogen seminary class I signed up for.

Three days later the Dogen class that night was canceled due to a death. Lucky me.

The song 'Break' hooks me hard. Spit out the toxic venom of oppression.

It seems to me that queers are niggas, too. Or as Carl Hancock Rux says, when it comes right down to it, we all niggas: a new nigga that's One nigga. Most just don't know it yet.

Let it out
Blow it out
Spit it out
Get it out

Update: I made some inaccurate assumptions about the makeup of the audience prior to the show. It was predominantly 20-something white kids. Granted, this is Portland, but I realized that Saul occupies an interesting niche. I can't help but wonder what he thinks and feels about that.

It was, BTW, an amazing show. I highly recommend it. I found myself bouncing up and down in a mass of people in front of the stage. I hadn't done that in years.

Two big burly white guys that were mid-30s were next to me and I kept thinking how surreal yet awesome it was that one of them kept yelling, "We love you, Saul!" Then, during the last song, one grabbed the other from behind and nuzzled into his neck. Ah!! They're gay bears! Now it all makes sense. I wonder how many of his fans are queer.

Another thought: I recently read that only a small percentage of people actually cough up the five bucks for the album instead of downloading it for free. I bet that you could make some relatively accurate assumptions about levels of development based on those who contributed versus those who did not.

Five Years of Testosterone

Colin — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:25:56 GMT

In honor of the five-year anniversary of the beginning of my transition, I thought it would be fun to revisit one of the key changes that testosterone elicits. This podcast is a collection of recordings that demonstrates the power of T to lower the voice. It's fascinating to me, and I thought it might be to you, too.

The voice and other physical changes happen rather quickly. Just like naturally-occurring puberty, the hair growth takes longer. Five years later, I'm still waiting for a decent set of sideburns and a goatee, while the hair on top of my head has been leaving steadily for the last two years. Sheesh.

Cultural Diversity

Colin — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:53:41 GMT

I had to write an essay on cultural diversity recently. Might as well share it here; that way, it looks like I'm blogging, but there's little effort! Here it is:

Cultural diversity is an inescapable reality in our increasingly globalized world, and learning to celebrate this fact is critical to the emergence of collective compassion and ecological sustainability. Institutional commitment to cultural diversity, even when “artificially” created, is paramount for building collective insight into the diversity of perspectives that encompass the human experience. We are empowered by this diversity of perspectives; attempting to step into the shoes of an Other often elicits fundamental shifts in what we previously assumed to be Truth

Internally, the shifting sand of my identity has brought forth a keen understanding of the Buddhist concepts of impermanence and interdependence: My ever-changing self is inextricably linked to the fabric of our society. The feminine persona that I projected during my twenties was constructed out of cultural expectations. The feminist lesbian identity that followed it was created in opposition to these same expectations. My current identity is one that holds the transcending of cultural constructs as an ideal. Regardless of the position I take in response to the norms of the day, I am in relationship with them.

My academic and professional experiences have occurred in environments that ranged from what appeared to be a single, monolithic perspective (corporate, white America) to a dizzying array of perspectives (San Francisco State University). Having been treated as an Other, and knowing the concomitant psychic pain, I am committed to bringing deeper awareness to the collective, in whatever small ways I can. Part of this effort is to strive to include as many diverse perspectives as possible in whatever environment I find myself. Embracing cultural diversity that includes all categories – race, ethnicity, gender, (dis)ability, religion, sexual orientation, etc. – is the first step to harnessing the enormous potential that comes out of a multiplicity of perspectives.

The more perspectives we include in the important conversations that are emerging, whether or not we act on them, the better prepared we are to meet the challenges that threaten our collective survival. The significance of this is (at least) two-fold: Including perspectives that were previously marginalized helps heal the wounds of oppression that exist in both our collective conscious and unconscious. Second, including diverse perspectives encourages new ways of thinking so that the power of our Creative Mind is unleashed. I am committed whole-heartedly to both healing and creating. I will bring this mind and heart into my communities, personally, academically and professionally, as a psychotherapist whose focus will be on healing in the marginalized queer community and helping create sustainable lives.

Even Better News

Colin — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 21:36:26 GMT

I had my interview at CIIS last Tuesday. It went rather well, I thought. I enjoyed myself. They said they'd let us know (it was a group interview) within 2-4 weeks. I got a letter of acceptance on Monday. They sent it on Wednesday (the day after the interview). I must'a made a good impression. <smiles>

I'll be part of the fall 2008 Integral Counseling Psychology cohort. Sweet.

If you've been checking in recently: Forgive the silence. It's just one of those times. The Body Armor series will continue. ETA = unknown.

Big Love!

Letting Go of Body Armor II: The Alexander Technique

Colin — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 06:18:31 GMT

My last Body Armor post stated that Hakomi was next. Hakomi is getting bumped for now, in favor of Alexander.

The Alexander Technique is another healing modality that focuses on body-mind integration; although, Alexander stressed that "doing" is not the focus; non-doing is. In fact, healing is not the goal either; stopping ineffectual, habitual movement is. I took my first lesson in the Technique last Thursday, and it has already profoundly affected the way I move in the world.

The Technique encourages us to stop "end-gaining." Most of us end-gain all day long. One example: When I walk to my truck from the grocery store, I used to focus on getting TO the truck, not HOW I got to the truck. EDIT: Actually, my mental focus was on what I was doing AFTER I got to the truck (future end-gaining or pure fantasy). Most of the HOW happens subconsciously, and typically involves some level of misuse of the body.

F. M. Alexander was a theater actor and singer in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. His gateway into awareness was that he often lost his voice - sometimes in the middle of a show - for years, and doctors could only offer one suggestion: rest. He did rest, over and over, and then, when he would start his regular routine, he would lose his voice again.

Frustrated with medical opinion, Alexander took his life into his own hands. He started watching himself in mirrors while singing, enunciating as on stage and just talking. He realized several things: He unnecessarily pulled his head back and down, he over-expanded his chest, and he sucked his gut in. He was also surprised to learn - through the use of mirrors - that his attempts to free his head by willing it to be so were thoroughly unsuccessful. In other words, we cannot necessarily trust what "feels right."

Realizing that consciously willing a new act alone would not enable him to overcome decades of misuse (which he learned through acting and singing coaches!), he worked unceasingly (moment-by-moment) to develop and continually refine his Technique. He watched himself and learned that if he started by inhibiting the habitual behavior through conscious thought and then gave himself specific mental direction, he was able to dynamically manifest new motor behavior.

His essential instructions:

1) Inhibition (non-doing): think "Stop" to prevent habitual, subconscious behavior from taking over.

2) Direction (mantra!): think "let the neck be free, so the head can be poised up on top of the spine [moving forward and up], let the torso lengthen and widen [shoulders out instead of back], let the hips be free to let the knees go forward and away, and let the ribs be mobile with the breath."

This translates, phenomenologically, to noticing the need/desire to move, stopping, thinking and then leading with the head. The head-neck-torso complex should move as one. In other words, the head should remain aligned with the torso. This realization was HUGE for me. In paying attention to each minute movement, moment-to-moment, I found that I, too, pulled my head back and down by tightening my neck unnecessarily. Essentially, I was putting pressure on the bulging discs in my neck every time I sat down and stood up. Instead of keeping my head in line with my torso, as I bent my lower back to stand up, I kept my head looking forward, which meant I was bending my neck and pulling my head back as I stood or sat down. This short video illustrates the proper relationship of the head-neck-torso when sitting and standing up; it's also a great overview.

Alexander was adamant that the body and mind are one whole inseparable unit, well before most others were even considering what now seems obvious. He also realized that we end-gain all day long. I was stunned by the Zen nature of his Technique. Essentially, he advocated being consciously aware of how we use our mind-body every moment, choosing instead of habitually acting. This is life-changing stuff here, folks. Especially if you deal with any level of chronic physical pain or muscle tension.

While this technique seems to focus on the body (it IS the focus of the sessions), the mind is integrally participating. Inhibition involves mental stopping and physical non-doing. Direction involves thinking of the desired means. Finally, movement that is intentional is the desired outcome. Instead of laboring over WHY movement is constrained, we learn HOW to move in the most optimal manner, freeing ourselves in the process.

It's always about the process, yes?

I'm a Natural in the Dark

Colin — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:45:23 GMT

The first time I heard the song Little Suicides by The Golden Palominos a few years ago, my heart center resonated strongly. I have been drawn to it again recently. Melissa has come home to me lying on the floor singing it multiple times. The only version that is available online is this acoustic solo by Lori Carson, the lead singer of the band on their album Pure.

The song resonates as such: Little suicides happen moment by moment, when we turn away from Truth. They hardly make a conscious mark. I have found that I can take the fun-house rides presented by life. Given the various struggles I've endured (emotionally crippled father, substance abuse, non-conventional sexual identity, gender identity confusion), I feel as though I am now a natural in the dark. I've had enough experience that dark no longer scares me. The song also makes me feel for all of those who are in the dark right now.

it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
but if you've never had your sight
what's it mean to be blind
now maybe they all just pretend to be
or maybe we're not trying
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time

all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark

if I could give you that
I'd give it all the time
you're just a little tired today
tomorrow you'll be fine
if love heals anything at all
we should be flying
if I could give you that
I'd love you all the time

you're everything I've ever wanted
you're everything to me
is there no stopping when it's started
these old hearts just come apart

it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
if I'm not who I used to be
well, it's not to be unkind
and if you feel these aren't your better days
oh, I don't mind
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time

Letting Go of Body Armor: A series on healing modalities

Colin — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 21:10:09 GMT

My recent struggle to open awareness to include body sensations and tensions that were previously sub/unconscious has naturally led to the exploration of somatic therapy modalities. (Nothin' like two blown discs to smack you into reality, and show ya that ya got some mad healin' to do). The idea of body armor, once simply resonant as a conceptual model, has morphed into a living, breathing reality that I now have the opportunity to witness on a daily, and often moment-by-moment, basis. The trick is noticing, of course. The bigger trick is letting go. I'm still working on it.

Questions I have learned to ask: How conscious am I of my body? Am I holding any tension anywhere? If I'm centered in my mind (while working, etc.), can I descend further into somatic awareness? What does it take to achieve full body-mind-spirit integration? How might the process unfold, starting right now?

Myriad healing therapies have been developed by humanity, some with roots deeper than others. Most are now lauded by only a passionate minority and criticized, sometimes sharply, by those donning either the traditional, mythic or rational, objective perspectives. More people are turning to them when Western medicine fails to heal chronic pain, including those who started as skeptics.

In a series of posts I'll be presenting a brief overview of several modalities that have the explicit goal of full being awareness; they exist along a spectrum from body- to mind- to spirit-focused. I will be continually investigating these modalities, personally and professionally, as I move towards, through and beyond graduate school and onward to total integration.

I know through experience that adding the lens of somatic psychology to human development is a powerful means to bring forth a healthy body-mind-spirit relationship. This is especially true for the trans-identified among us, who often struggle to reconcile internal phenomenology with seemingly dissonant external physical and social realities.

Before I get into therapies which I only know a little about, one simple rule of thumb I have learned, book-wise and experientially: Breathe. Deep. Always. Rooting oneself in the breath - literally - harnesses the innate abilities of the body and the mind. If we don't breathe deeply as often as possible (except when in the presence of a smoking person / factory / bus / pile o' leaves), we restrict the flow of vital energy through our bodies, and our body-mind-spirit suffers. This, of course, has a ripple effect outward into our lives.

So, let's look at a variety of methods for obtaining full centauric awareness, which is crucial for ascending the spiral towards Union, shall we? First up:

Reichian Energetics "is a form of personal growth work based on the bioenergetic and character analytic principles elaborated by Wilhelm Reich. In this approach, the client works with a private instructor to overcome restrictions in functioning and to promote a more vital way of being. The emphasis is on deeper, more natural breathing and on increased energy. Patterns of chronic holding in the organism are identified, and their meaning is clarified. As these patterns are loosened, the free flow of feeling and awareness is fostered, and the capacity for self-expression is stimulated. At the same time, a greater degree of self-understanding and self-possession is established, facilitating an enhanced responsiveness to the challenges of life. The goal of Reichian Energetics is genuine personality growth rooted in a deep identification with the life of the body."

A fascinating side-note: The great thing about Wilhelm Reich is that he was labeled a madman and put into jail because of his oh-so-radical ideas about character, body awareness and sexuality. Well, okay, he was a little crazy for his time: He postulated that the orgone was a form of life energy that was released with sexual orgasm. He invented the orgone accumulator, which he hooked men up to for the purpose of proving his theory that ejaculation increased life vitality. Oh, and he was in favor of teen sex. Heretic! The FDA burned thousands of his books. Einstein discredited him. He died in jail. Despite the public smear campaign against him, his ideas on body integration now have quite the following in some intellectual and therapeutic circles.

Next: Hakomi

Good News

Colin — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:39:09 GMT

Last Friday, an unexpected phone call made my day: I was asked to come for an interview for the grad school program I am most interested in. The call came three days after they received my application materials. Smiles.

Life at Work: Heaven and Hell

Colin — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:28:44 GMT

Obviously, blog posting slipped down the priority list for awhile. That may continue to be true.

I have been back at work for three weeks, after a 3+ month absence due to the herniated discs in my neck. And the experience has been a mix of pleasure and pain, sacred and profane.

Pleasure:

- The position I was hired into, despite my absence, is an opportunity to collaborate with educators at a deeper level. I work in the field of formative assessments for K-12 students (versus the oft-maligned summative assessment) as well as professional development for teachers and administrators. This non-profit organization works with a mission that really resonates for me: we seek and support a radical revision of the nature of education in America, so that each child is encouraged to develop his or her innate capacities, as opposed to the industrial model in which all kids were treated the same.

- In contrast to my previous position, I am free to construct my day as I wish. My manager is ideal: hands-off but available.

- The position comes with more respect and slightly more pay.

- Most importantly, this job enables me to support my wife in her pursuit of a graduate degree in teaching. So many children will benefit from her wisdom, compassion and poise that I remind myself of this as often as possible to assist me in overcoming the pain-points.

Pain:

- Sitting or standing in front of a desk/computer all day does not help my physical condition. I often leave in more pain than when I arrived.

- I am still on the M-F, 40-hour work week hamster wheel. The structure of the social system is one which encourages pining for quitting time and the weekend. This no longer resonates for me, even though I express it nearly as much as anyone else seems to.

- I feel stuck in a job that resonated for my previous self, but does not for my now self. I am tired of the facade. I am tired of being in a professional environment in which I am not known and do not know others, save a couple exceptions. I seek depth, and I find very little here, despite the fact that this organization surpasses most others in terms of team work and management responsiveness. The gifts that have been developed in me feel mostly untapped. I am still waiting for the flower.

I do my best to be present in NOW, but I want the six months remaining in this job to pass quickly. I feel trapped; yet, that feeling is held within the space of freedom. The part of me that wants to run screaming out the door at least once a week is held by the loving compassion of open awareness. It's heaven and hell all wrapped into one.

Grad School Autobiographical Statement

Colin — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:27:15 GMT

To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. - e. e. cummings

Bringing our true selves out into the world, fearlessly showing up as unique manifestations of Creation, we harness unfathomable resources and spread compassion and love throughout all existence. Getting to this place of fearlessness and authenticity is, for most of us, a lifelong process of unfolding. Our world seems fragmented, and we both reflect and participate in the chaos that surrounds and includes us. How do we let go of the battle and walk into the light?

My battle with the world began as confusion and dismay. My earliest memories are from the age of five, when it became painfully clear that my internal male identity did not align with the female identity assigned to me at birth nor the correlated expectations of the American mainstream culture. Though I was a relatively happy and well-adjusted child, I began to refuse to match my self-expression with the prevalent gender norms. Life became increasingly difficult as the pressure to conform to female standards was applied by a variety of people in the form of awkward looks in public restrooms and the routine question: Are you a boy or a girl? While the effect compromised my ability to form a healthy ego and identity, “tomboys” are allowed a degree of latitude until adolescence, so I was able to find friends and blend into the social fabric without too much difficulty.

At the age of ten, my problems started to amplify. Repeated urinary tract infections due to the use of self-fashioned prosthetic devices made my sense of suffering – physically and emotionally – more acute. A critical mental breakdown led me to implore my mother for help, and I began to see a child therapist. Most of the short time I spent with her involved building trust; though, I never did confide my shame-based fears and instead focused on other life difficulties that were surfacing.

Our home life was marked by interactions with my father, a Vietnam veteran and child abuse victim, who was increasingly crippled by PTSD. His on-going depression led to suicidal thoughts, and he lost his ability to function in the world as expected. My focus shifted from my struggles with identity to playing a support role for my mother and two younger siblings. Dad was in and out of the psychiatric ward at the nearest military hospital for a year until being medically discharged from the Air Force after eighteen years of service. As a result, our family moved to my mother’s home town in Niagara Falls, New York, and I decided to take on a new identity in an attempt to alleviate my suffering. I had enough problems that I could not control, so I consciously chose to repress my desire to live as a boy. Memories of shopping for new school clothes in the girls’ department with resignation pervade my recollection of that time in my life. But I was tired of feeling hassled, and if looking more like a girl would help, I was willing to sacrifice. This ultimately manifested as a conscious identity split when I entered adolescence: One feminized self that I presented to the world covered up another truer self that explored sexuality through boy-girl fantasy behind my closed bedroom door.

The inner boy was further appeased by participation in team sports throughout my childhood and teen years. Over time, my gender presentation once again moved towards the traditional masculine pole. My success in sports allowed me to avert the more coercive forms of gender socialization and marginalization by peers; however, the subtle glances and behind-the-back comments added to my experience of the world as judgmental and exclusionary, and I never felt acceptable.

I was fortunate in that I always felt accepted by God and my family. My mother raised us according to her Lutheran faith, and the vision of God and Jesus that she expressed was filled with love and compassion. My childhood faith turned into skepticism when I was a teenager because of the discrepancies between idealized models of morality and the actual behavior I observed in the people around me. The anthropomorphized version of God that I had been taught became ludicrous as my rational mind developed, and I largely abandoned a personal relationship with God around the age of fifteen.

What does a queer teen do when the childhood vision of God disintegrates, family life is chaotic or uncommunicative, and the world seems to be filled with lies? The most common answer fit for me, and I began to experiment with alcohol and marijuana. My usage was limited due to a lack of financial resources, but it did serve as a pressure release valve that enabled me to survive. I might have resorted to suicide without some relief from what was becoming persistent desolation. An undercurrent of rage that periodically erupted from my father created a house filled with fear and anger. A significantly troubled family life combined with gender and sexual repression were a tremendous load to bear. Since more healthy resources were not apparently available, I continued substance use with minimal external consequences for years.

Escaping from reality was my primary objective from my mid-teens until my early twenties. I followed my family to California after I graduated from high school and immediately found a crowd of other disillusioned young adults. I once again attempted to align my external appearance with female ideals so that I would fit in with the crowd. I convinced myself that I was a woman and needed to start acting like one. My discontent magnified and my self esteem suffered dramatic consequences; as a result, daily marijuana use was supplemented by large amounts of alcohol and, occasionally, cocaine, LSD and methamphetamines. An arrest for driving under the influence shocked this “good kid” into the awareness that my life was spiraling out of control.

Two different inpatient treatment programs, separated by a relapse, introduced me to the Twelve Steps and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I plunged wholeheartedly into the program, attended meetings nearly every day for more than a year, worked with a sponsor, and made significant progress towards creating a more successful life. Simply accepting that my life had been unmanageable and recognizing the consequences that had on all of my relationships was a major turning point. I dealt with my anger towards both my parents and made amends to them and other family members. My authentic self began to unfold.

After years of sporadic college attendance, I enrolled at Los Medanos College with the determination to complete an undergraduate degree within five years. My English teacher was an out lesbian; I had never met anyone gay before. I spent time at the Women’s Resource center, directed by her, and it acted as a catalyst for exploring my sexual identity. As I realized that someone could be gay and happy, my attraction towards women became more conscious. I came out as a lesbian during my second semester and felt as though a huge piece of my self was finally in place. I approached life with a vitality and confidence that I had never experienced before, relatively unconcerned with the societal taboo against homosexuality because I was finally doing what felt right for me buoyed by a supportive environment.

Although I had brief sexual relationships with men between the ages of eighteen and twenty-three, it was not until I was with women that I actually enjoyed sex. My first lesbian experience translated into a short-term relationship, and I was thrilled to discover that I could feel profoundly connected to another human being and energized by her mere presence.

The relaxed gender norms of the gay community enabled me to let go of my idealized female persona: I gleefully cut off most of my hair and discarded all of the feminine props like makeup, purses and blouses. A more masculine expression further relaxed the internal tension such that I felt truly happy for the first time in my life.

Fueled by excitement generated by my new identity, I transferred to San Francisco State University in 1995 and began exploring alternative forms of spirituality, self improvement books and the out-and-proud queer community. My interests in spiritual expression led me to the Holistic Health department, which offered courses examining New Age and Eastern philosophies and practices. Books by Thich Naht Hanh and Trungpa Rinpoche blew many of the remnants of orthodox Christianity out of my psyche and introduced me to perspectives that were alive with meaning. I sought out the help of a therapist and experienced many insights about myself and my relationships.

Life was easier and more fulfilling than it ever had been; however, some deep amorphous uneasiness continued to haunt me, and it affected my self esteem. My sense of “otherness” resurfaced, but I managed to suppress it by being successful in school and distracting myself with material objects and busyness. The vitality that emerged when I first identified as gay slipped away and was replaced by a more pragmatic sense of achievement. I changed my focus from sports medicine to cell and molecular biology for two reasons: I was fascinated by the exquisite yet apparently rational nature of the building blocks of life, and I sought to escape the discomfort of social engagement by manifesting the archetype of the solitary scientist.

My altruistic drive shifted from a vision of helping people heal from physical injuries to one of searching for a cure for cancer. I graduated with honors and was immediately rewarded with a great job in the busy biotechnology sector of the California Bay Area performing molecular biology research and screening potential oncology drugs

Financial and professional success boosted my self-image, and I entered the first significant long-term relationship of my life. My partner and I were well-matched intellectually and philosophically; although, her periodic bouts of rage and persistent underlying anger brought me back to the emotions of my family of origin. I often felt frustrated or mistreated, but her outward expression was so subtle that I rationalized it away and tried to focus on the times during which we experienced resonance and joy. I remained committed to our relationship and determined to continue my own evolution. I found the angry, protective voice that never developed because the defense mechanisms of my youth involved shutting down and mentally escaping, and I learned a lot about relationships and communication. I continued to see my therapist who served as a steady resource and ally.

We moved to Portland, Oregon in 2000 so that my partner could attend naturopathic medical school, and my previous success was dampened by a series of difficulties. I found a limited job market for a scientific research assistant, and the compensation was below the local median, so I worked in a lab part-time while attending community college full-time with the goal of quickly transferring my technical talents to a career in computers. Our relationship strained under the pressure of school and work, and we both grew more dissatisfied. I started seeing a new therapist. After further relationship breakdown, we started seeing a couples’ therapist. As I explored my dissatisfaction and my partner raised the issue of our non-existent sex life, the identity that I had pushed down for so long resurfaced.

Coming to terms with being transsexual was more complex than my acceptance of my sexual attraction; however, once I realized that it was only through accepting all aspects of myself that I could begin to feel whole, I launched into transitioning. After some initial shock, my family and friends were supportive. I transitioned while working in the research lab amongst peers that were either openly supportive or silent. The timing was perfect: I finished my degree just as I was routinely passing as male, and I started my new career as Colin.

My life changed dramatically within a single year. I had a new job and a more authentic self. I ended my five-year relationship after I gained more confidence. I dated a variety of women for several months, insisting that I was looking for fun with no strings, and I had plenty of it. My bachelorhood was short-lived, despite my intentions: I met a fantastic woman who was rooted in her body, smart, funny and vibrantly alive. We were married six months after our first date, and I felt as though I was soaring with eagles. Life had never been better.

On the other hand, my struggle did not end once I was unquestionably perceived as male in the public sphere. Three years into my gender transition, in December of 2005, I approached our Human Resources Representative at the progressive non-profit organization that is my employer. Courage and insistence that my needs be met fueled my ability to walk through fear of disclosure to question an exclusion clause in our group health insurance policy: no services or surgeries related to gender identity disorder. Though genuinely kind and supportive, she regretfully informed me that my options were limited since the insurance policy was a contract between private parties.

Frustration and disappointment quickly transformed into determination to continue to stand up for myself and other transsexuals. Passion and anger at the marginalization of queer people bled into rage and self-righteousness. I finally felt that I was being myself, but I still felt that the world was against me and others in a way that was unjust. I plunged into research mode to build a case. After an exhausting month of full-time work, hours of social science research and writing, and periodic verbal rants to anyone who would listen, I had an emotional breakdown. I spent two days in bed, first reeling, then processing, and finally realizing and accepting that I was largely powerless to change social systems.

The depth of the sense of powerlessness brought me to my knees; I knew that spending energy fighting the world was not likely to be rewarding, so I turned my attention to renewing my spiritual practice. I devoured books by Ken Wilber, Ram Dass, Trungpa Rinpoche, Krishnamurti, and others. My practice revolved around early morning devotional mantra chanting and Zen meditation. After three months, I had an awakening experience during which I felt an indescribable and powerful presence of love and compassion. Basking in this loving bliss, it was as if decades – even lifetimes – of pain and suffering melted away. I felt healed and whole and in love with life during that blip of transcendence; simultaneously, I felt to my core that even if I were hit by a bus that afternoon, everything would be alright.

Today my life is my spiritual practice. Awareness and authenticity are the foundation of my existence. Impermanence and emptiness are more than concepts; they surround the spring from which life flows, like water down a mountain and back to its source. Much of who I am has come out of shadow and into the light; though, I know that unfolding is a process that never ends. Challenges still arise…and then pass away, leaving me strengthened. The cycle of contraction and expansion persists. The lifelong battle has transformed into open-handed acceptance with a patient resolve to work for positive change. What I am quite clear about, after all of that has happened, is that my life would not be what it is if I did not have family and friends who loved me unconditionally.

Unfortunately, the support that I had as I went through identity transformations is too rare. Recognizing the barriers that weigh on those less fortunate than myself, reaching out to offer a helping hand has become a focal point in my life. Volunteering at Outside In, a Portland-based social service agency, gave me the opportunity to work with dedicated staff and volunteers to meet the needs of street-dependent youth. I also volunteered with Basic Rights Oregon, a pro-LGBT rights political action committee, and I attended their annual Leadership Summit at Oregon State University in 2006.

I realized nearly two years ago that my success and the tools that I have accumulated empower me to assist others in finding their ways to authenticity. With that high and worthy ideal as a vision, I explored the options for graduate school. [School name] and its foundational emphasis on integral consciousness and psychology, celebration of diversity in all of its forms, and familiar and ideal location far exceeded any other contender. My recent visit to the campus convinced me that the unique culture resonates deeply: Students and faculty mingled in the halls; bulletin boards advertised enticing events; I had a great talk with a warm and knowledgeable admissions counselor. The meditation room and rooftop Zen garden made me giggle with glee. I envision a partnership with the students and faculty at [school name] that is profoundly transformative as it further prepares me to offer my gift to the world. Excitement and anticipation arise as you build the next cohort for the [unnamed] degree program.

It's a wild, wild life...

Colin — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:16:28 GMT

isn't it? I don't know about ya'll, but 2008 at this blessed spot of glorious emptiness is getting a lively start. And to set the crazy mood, here's a funny Talking Heads video that fits the title. The Americana performativity (and, GAWD, I love that word) is fantastic. I'm on my second glass of wine - a rare occasion - and life seems so much lighter. The blood of Christ, given for you. So, cheers to a bright year. I hope this one brings lightness and love to you and all.

So, what's so wild?
1) I interviewed for a new role at my place of employment on New Year's Eve and got hired on the spot, despite having been out on worker's comp for three months. It's a promotion, it doesn't require being tied to my desk and it's an infinitely more rewarding position. Three huge points in favor of this job, especially the "not tied to my desk" part, because...
2) I had cortisone injections two days after Christmas; the effects were not a miracle cure. I've had about a 20% reduction in pain, which is just enough to enable me to return to work and not be miserable. This desk job has got to go, but that has to wait until Melissa graduates and gets a teaching job, and I...
3) am still in the process of applying for grad school. My psych professor, who I also know through one of our social circles, wrote one recommendation letter that was a revision of the letter he wrote for me last year. My "informal" zen teacher has graciously agreed to write the second, and it's coming down to the wire: The priority deadline is January 15th. I've finished my statement of goals. I'm a third of the way through the autobiographical essay. Three out of four transcripts are in hand.
4) My father is out of the hospital (got out right before Xmas), but he's not doing well, despite a wonderful holiday with all siblings present and happiness instead of drama (we're maturing and everyone knows Dad's fragile state).
5) Oh, and: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton won New Hampshire's Democratic primaryTuesday night in a startling upset, defeating Sen. Barack Obama and resurrecting her bid for the White House. Sen. John McCain powered past his Republican rivals and back into contention for the GOP nomination.

This is going to be a good year. Even though I'm in a career that is not aligned with my intention for contribution, nor the best use of my talents, it's with a fantastic organization with a great mission and fantastic people whom I've known for three years... and the pay ain't half bad (more than I've ever made). My health is improving, and I've got a plan of action to see more gains. My wife is smart, beautiful and endlessly fascinating and our relationship is the best I've ever had. The pain? Eh, it's just more grist for the mill. It's actually enhanced my practice. Fuck, now I know that I've changed. This practice shit...it's the bomb. It's savin' my lily white, balding, spiritually rockin' transsexual ass. And it don't get no better than this. Thanks for joining me on this wild, wild ride. Keep surfin' those waves.